Courage Before Confidence Part 3: You’re Not the Only One Who Feels Like a Fraud

In Part 1, the lizards and the wall of fire. In Part 2, the imposter voice and the comparison trap. If you missed them, Part 1 is here and Part 2 is here.

I spent so many years of my career feeling like I was the only one who didn’t have it together. The only one who felt like a fraud. The only one lying awake at night convinced I was failing at everything.

That’s what this final part is about — the shame underneath all of it, the truth that you’re never the only one struggling, and the small practical things that actually help.

The Shame Thing

Shame is the thing underneath a lot of confidence problems, I think. Not guilt — guilt is ‘I did something bad.’ Shame is ‘I am bad.’ It’s that feeling that there’s something fundamentally wrong with you, something that makes you unworthy of connection or belonging.

Brené Brown has done more research on shame than probably anyone else, and in The Gifts of Imperfection (2010) she explains that shame needs three things to grow: secrecy, silence, and judgment. The less we talk about it, the more power it has. But when we share our shame with someone we trust; when we say the thing we’re most afraid to say out loud, something shifts. Shame can’t survive being spoken.

Owen O’Kane, psychotherapist and author of Ten Times Happier (2020), tells a similar story from his own life. He was severely bullied as a child for being different, and for years afterwards he kept asking himself: am I good enough? Am I the problem? It wasn’t until his own therapy that something shifted. The problem, he realised, wasn’t him. The problem was ‘other people who couldn’t tolerate difference.’ Happiness, he concluded, is ‘an inside job.’

And here’s the thing about feeling like you’re not good enough. You always feel like you’re the only one. Like everyone else has it figured out and you’re the odd one out — quietly, secretly wrong in some way you can’t put your finger on.

I wasn’t the only one. Not even close. But I didn’t know that, because nobody talked about it.

If you take one thing from this whole series, maybe let it be this: the stuff you’re most ashamed of, the stuff you think makes you uniquely flawed — other people feel it too. You’re not the only one. You’re just one of the many, many people who are too scared to say it out loud.

Things That Might Help

I’m not going to pretend I’ve worked this out. I still have days where I feel like a fraud. I still sometimes avoid things because I’m scared of failing. But I’m better than I used to be, and here’s what’s helped:

Start stupidly small

If the thing you’re scared of feels too big, make it smaller. Then smaller again. Then smaller than that. The goal isn’t to conquer your fears in one dramatic moment. The goal is to take a tiny step that’s uncomfortable but not overwhelming. Then another. Then another. Confidence builds from there.

And when you do take that tiny step? Acknowledge it. Celebrate it, even if it feels silly. Your brain needs evidence that you can do hard things — and that evidence starts with noticing the wins, no matter how small.

Collect evidence against the imposter voice

That voice that says you’re a fraud? It’s not going to go away. But you can argue with it. Keep a list — an actual list, written down — of times you’ve succeeded, times you’ve done hard things, times you proved the voice wrong. When it starts up again, you can point to the evidence. ‘Actually, I did manage that project. Actually, I did get that feedback. Actually, I have done this before.’

Focus on self-compassion, not self-esteem

Self-esteem requires being ‘better than.’ Self-compassion just requires being kind to yourself when you’re struggling. And instead of comparing yourself to others, compare to past you. Are you better than six months ago? That’s the only comparison that matters.

Talk to someone

Find someone you trust and tell them how you really feel. Not the polished version, the real version. The ‘I feel like a fraud and I’m scared all the time’ version. Nine times out of ten, they’ll say ‘Seriously? I literally think about this every day.’ And suddenly you’re not alone anymore.

Be your own coach, not your own critic

When things go wrong (and they will go wrong, because you’re human), try to talk to yourself the way a good coach would. Not ‘you’re useless, why did you even try’ but ‘OK, that didn’t work, what can we learn from this?’ It sounds cheesy. It works anyway.

To Sum Up

The thing about confidence is it doesn’t show up beforehand, all shiny and ready to go. It’s forged in the moments when you have no idea what you’re doing but you do it anyway.

If you’re reading this and you’re scared of something; an interview, a conversation, a decision, a change — I get it. The fear is real. The imposter voice is loud. The urge to hide is strong.

But you don’t have to feel ready. You just have to start. Stupidly, embarrassingly small, if you need to. One tiny step at a time. Just do one small brave thing.

The confidence will catch up eventually, I promise.

References

Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden Publishing.

O’Kane, O. (2020). Ten times happier: How to let go of what’s holding you back. HarperCollins.